There are few things I hate more than being lied to. If I ask you a question don't try to protect me from the truth. I am tired of being dragged along because people are afraid of hurting me. While you think you are protecting me, in reality you are being incredibly self-centered. How do you not see that being dragged along wouldn't hurt me more than being told the simple truth? Sometimes the truth is painful, but when you lie the pain lingers far longer.
I was in a marriage full of lies, so am I a little hypersensitive to it now? Probably. Who wouldn't be? But I learned a lot from that marriage. Actions speak louder than words. Don't tell me what I want to hear because you don't want to hurt me. Lying gets us nowhere. Save us both the heartache and let's move on.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I am a Child of God and So is He
After a particularly difficult night missing my baby and wanting so much to hold him right now, I've had to come to the realization that that little boy was my Heavenly Father's first. When I think about how much I love him it is hard to comprehend that Heavenly Father loves him more. As his mother I want nothing more than to protect him from the evils of this world, to take away the pain, to make his life easier, but I have to let him go through these things in order for him to grow. I have to turn that trust over to the Lord and remember that he is his child too. He is going to watch over him when I can't.
I love that little boy so much, it's comforting to know that someone who loves him even more than I do (which truly seems impossible) is looking out for him and is going to take care of him. I am thankful that he has trusted me enough to send me that sweet little boy. What a joy he has been in my life.
I love that little boy so much, it's comforting to know that someone who loves him even more than I do (which truly seems impossible) is looking out for him and is going to take care of him. I am thankful that he has trusted me enough to send me that sweet little boy. What a joy he has been in my life.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
For My Mother
My Mother, My Friend
I've watched you as a child,
Admired your great strength;
You are my perfect role model,
Exceeding expectations at every length.
You always were my best friend
I'd rather be with you.
You taught me what was right and wrong
Through all the things you do.
Sleepovers and late night talks,
Old movies and treats in bed.
These are the things I'll remember most,
When all other dreams have fled.
You've taught me how to face my life with courage.
Your spirit always shines so bright.
Even though you've been through many hardships,
Your countenance reflects Christ's pure light.
We've watched each other go through trials,
Through joys and sadness too,
But we've kept each other strong
Until we saw the end in view.
You've lived your life with valiance,
Made some mistakes along the way.
Some people have been unfair to you,
But just remember you'll be compensated one day.
Through all your trials and struggles
You've kept a smile on your face.
That smile has always kept me going
And wiped childhood tears away, gone without a trace.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
You are my eternal friend.
I'm grateful that you're in my life
And you'll have an influence on it until the very end.
Now you're getting older,
The grays are showing through,
But no matter how old you get,
I'm always going to love you!
My mother has been such a strength for me in my life. I would be lost without her and I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father that he sent me to her. She makes such incredible sacrifices for each of us and is so selfless. I just hope that I can be half the mother to Logan that she has been to me. I love her so much and am so lucky to have such an incredible woman to look up to! Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Fear Thou Not, for I am With Thee...
This weekend has been eventful to say the least. But through the struggle I am learning that I have a strength I never knew I had.
I've always known divorce was hard; that it was miserable and devastating, but it wasn't until this weekend that I truly understood just how difficult it really was. I finally understand what my mother went through as she watched us drive away. The fear, the hurt, the sadness at times almost unbearable. As a child I didn't understand the drama of it all. I didn't understand how alone my mother felt. Now as she is watching her own baby girl go through the same thing I know she is reliving it all again and she wants nothing more than to take it all away for me and she is doing the best she can.
As a mother (or father) it is so difficult to watch our children in pain. We want nothing more than to rush in and rescue them from their trials, to hold them and make everything all better. At times I have found myself asking my own Heavenly Father, "Where are you? Why aren't you coming in and rescuing me now when I need you most?" I know He loves me so why isn't he rushing in to take away the pain? As I was sitting at the temple last night asking these very questions I felt completely alone, like He had abandoned me in my time of need. I went looking for peace and found myself feeling a deep emptiness. I came home feeling completely miserable, wanting to give up hope. When I awoke the next morning the pain was still there but something inside was whispering, "open up your scriptures, you will find your answer there." I put off the prompting for whatever reason, but the thought wouldn't leave my mind. When I picked up my scriptures I didn't know what to look for or where to turn so I just let them fall open. "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea I will help thee; yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."(Isaiah 41:10) It was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that even though I may not feel Him always, He is there and He is giving me the strength I need to get through this. I never would have had the strength on my own, I just failed to recognize the source. He is my Father, and as much as I know He would like to take away my suffering He is letting me go through this to prove to myself that I can do it. He is letting me learn for myself who I am and that I am strong. As difficult as it is I am thankful that I have this opportunity to find my inner strength and let it show.
I've always known divorce was hard; that it was miserable and devastating, but it wasn't until this weekend that I truly understood just how difficult it really was. I finally understand what my mother went through as she watched us drive away. The fear, the hurt, the sadness at times almost unbearable. As a child I didn't understand the drama of it all. I didn't understand how alone my mother felt. Now as she is watching her own baby girl go through the same thing I know she is reliving it all again and she wants nothing more than to take it all away for me and she is doing the best she can.
As a mother (or father) it is so difficult to watch our children in pain. We want nothing more than to rush in and rescue them from their trials, to hold them and make everything all better. At times I have found myself asking my own Heavenly Father, "Where are you? Why aren't you coming in and rescuing me now when I need you most?" I know He loves me so why isn't he rushing in to take away the pain? As I was sitting at the temple last night asking these very questions I felt completely alone, like He had abandoned me in my time of need. I went looking for peace and found myself feeling a deep emptiness. I came home feeling completely miserable, wanting to give up hope. When I awoke the next morning the pain was still there but something inside was whispering, "open up your scriptures, you will find your answer there." I put off the prompting for whatever reason, but the thought wouldn't leave my mind. When I picked up my scriptures I didn't know what to look for or where to turn so I just let them fall open. "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea I will help thee; yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."(Isaiah 41:10) It was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that even though I may not feel Him always, He is there and He is giving me the strength I need to get through this. I never would have had the strength on my own, I just failed to recognize the source. He is my Father, and as much as I know He would like to take away my suffering He is letting me go through this to prove to myself that I can do it. He is letting me learn for myself who I am and that I am strong. As difficult as it is I am thankful that I have this opportunity to find my inner strength and let it show.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Finding Joy in the Journey
As most of you know the last few months of our lives have been a roller coaster of emotions. In a matter of minutes I watched our lives turn completely upside down and in that moment I didn't know if we would ever be able to recover; but I am here to tell you that we did recover and we have found joy in our journey.
Those first few weeks after everything happened I was a mess. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never come out. I was devastated. I was terrified at what I was being faced with and I didn't know where to turn. I was angry that this was happening to me and I had absolutely no control over it. In one night I lost my husband, my home, my source of income, I felt like all my dreams were being ripped from me and all I could do was sit back and watch. I didn't understand why this was happening to us. I had done everything I could possibly do to hold things together and it just wasn't enough. I quickly learned that no matter how hard you try, you can't control what other people do. Heavenly Father gave each of us our agency and no one can take that away from us. I found that I had to trust in the Lord that things were going to work out, even though it seemed impossible in that moment. I knew that the Lord wasn't going to give Logan and I anything that we couldn't handle, but there were times when I found myself asking, "Are you sure you've got the right person Heavenly Father? Maybe someone else could handle this but surely I can't." Well guess what, He was right and I did. He knew how strong I was even when I didn't.
In that strength I have been able to find happiness, a happiness that I haven't felt in years. It took going through pain I didn't even know I was capable of feeling, but without that pain I would never be able to fully appreciate the happiness that I feel now. I am surrounded by people all over the world who have reached out to me to show their love and support; people who are proud of me and are excited to see the woman I have become. Sometimes we don't have control over what life throws at us, at times it seems completely unfair, and like we are totally alone in this world, but I am here to say that no matter what life throws at us, we can recover and find happiness again. I've gained a greater appreciation for the little things in my life, for my sweet little Logan. It hasn't been an easy road to get here, but we can finally say that we have found the joy in the journey and we couldn't be happier!
In that strength I have been able to find happiness, a happiness that I haven't felt in years. It took going through pain I didn't even know I was capable of feeling, but without that pain I would never be able to fully appreciate the happiness that I feel now. I am surrounded by people all over the world who have reached out to me to show their love and support; people who are proud of me and are excited to see the woman I have become. Sometimes we don't have control over what life throws at us, at times it seems completely unfair, and like we are totally alone in this world, but I am here to say that no matter what life throws at us, we can recover and find happiness again. I've gained a greater appreciation for the little things in my life, for my sweet little Logan. It hasn't been an easy road to get here, but we can finally say that we have found the joy in the journey and we couldn't be happier!
Just a Mom?
My mom emailed me this story a while ago when I was struggling with being "Just a Mom." This is for all other moms out there.
A woman renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated unsure of how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a...?"
"Of course I have a job!" snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom!"
"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and in possession of a high sounding title like, "Official Interragator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold black ink on the official questionairre.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't?) in the labratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, all buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distiguished and indispensible to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood!
What a glorious career, especially when there's a title on the door!
Does that make Grandmothers, "Executive Senior Research Associates?" I think so! I also think it makes Aunts, "Associate Research Assistants!"
A woman renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated unsure of how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a...?"
"Of course I have a job!" snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom!"
"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and in possession of a high sounding title like, "Official Interragator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold black ink on the official questionairre.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't?) in the labratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, all buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distiguished and indispensible to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood!
What a glorious career, especially when there's a title on the door!
Does that make Grandmothers, "Executive Senior Research Associates?" I think so! I also think it makes Aunts, "Associate Research Assistants!"
Being a mom is by far the hardest job there is out there and it is about the most unappreciated job on top of that. We never get to call in sick or get a lunch break, we just go go go all day every day! It's about time we started calling ourselves more than "just a mom." Instead we should hold our heads high and say proudly, "Yes! I am a Mother!" What a blessing it is to be trusted with such sweet little spirits to raise and teach the things of this world! I am proud to say that I am a Mother!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Reminiscing
When I found out that I was pregnant nearly three years ago I was faced with so many decisions. I was just out of high school, unmarried, and totally unsure of what to do. I was bombarded with everybody else's opinions of what I should do. So many pointed me towards adoption, others said to keep him, but I had to find out for myself what I was supposed to do.
First I explored adoption. My bishop had sent my mother home with a DVD about different mothers who had placed their babies. I put it in while my family was visiting my grandparents one Sunday evening shortly after I had discovered that I was pregnant. I watched and sobbed the whole way through. I knew adoption was such a wonderful option for so many mothers, but I wasn't sure if it was the right option for me. I was so devastated as I tried to make this decision on my own. I knew I should pray about it, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to Heavenly Father after everything I had done. I decided to make an appointment with LDS Family Services just to talk things through.
When I made the appointment I was afraid they were just going to pressure me into placing my baby for adoption. It seemed like the logical thing to do in my situation. I wasn't married and was only 18. It wasn't like I could totally support him on my own at that point, but I just didn't know if adoption was the right route for me to take and LDS Family Services was so supportive of me no matter what decision I made. My social workers name was Melissa. Immediately I felt so comfortable talking to her. She told me about how beautiful adoption was and how of course she was a strong advocate for it, but she said that it certainly wasn't right for everybody. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after talking to her. I continued to make appointments every week or two and she helped me work through the things I was struggling with at the time.
Around January I decided that I needed to read the Book of Mormon all the way through before my baby was born. I had read it with my family several times but never on my own. When I pulled out my Book of Mormon a little paper fell out of it that simply said John 16:33. I turned to the passage and found, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might find peace. In the world you will have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." I was overcome with emotion. I felt such a comfort reading those words and I knew that if I listened to my heart I would know the Lord's desire for me and my baby.
I continued to read the Book of Mormon throughout the following months. My goal was to be done with it by the time the baby was born and I knew I was going to have to hurry because I kept going into preterm labor. I read for hours at work, at home, at church, and during all of my spare time. While my parents were out of town in Oregon doing my Uncle Doug's temple work I went into labor again and was admitted to the hospital this time. I started to panic because I still had about 8 chapters left to read and didn't have my Book of Mormon with me. When they wheeled me into the room I would be staying in, there on the night stand table was a Book of Mormon waiting for me. Heavenly Father always provides a way for us to reach our goals and do the things which He asks us to do.
That night I finished the book and felt very strongly that I would know without a doubt in my mind that I had made the right decision. I knew that I was going to keep Logan. I knew that Heavenly Father had sent him to me for a reason and that I was supposed to be his mother. Two weeks later my beautiful baby boy was born and I knew with a surety when I held him in my arms that I had made the right decision.
Now two and a half years later I love him more than I ever thought possible. There are still times when I am down on myself and wonder if I truly made the right decision for us. But Heavenly Father always asures me that he was supposed to be mine and that he was sent to me for a reason. I love him so much and I couldn't imagine a life without him. What a blessing he is in my life and to the lives of so many others!
First I explored adoption. My bishop had sent my mother home with a DVD about different mothers who had placed their babies. I put it in while my family was visiting my grandparents one Sunday evening shortly after I had discovered that I was pregnant. I watched and sobbed the whole way through. I knew adoption was such a wonderful option for so many mothers, but I wasn't sure if it was the right option for me. I was so devastated as I tried to make this decision on my own. I knew I should pray about it, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to Heavenly Father after everything I had done. I decided to make an appointment with LDS Family Services just to talk things through.
When I made the appointment I was afraid they were just going to pressure me into placing my baby for adoption. It seemed like the logical thing to do in my situation. I wasn't married and was only 18. It wasn't like I could totally support him on my own at that point, but I just didn't know if adoption was the right route for me to take and LDS Family Services was so supportive of me no matter what decision I made. My social workers name was Melissa. Immediately I felt so comfortable talking to her. She told me about how beautiful adoption was and how of course she was a strong advocate for it, but she said that it certainly wasn't right for everybody. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after talking to her. I continued to make appointments every week or two and she helped me work through the things I was struggling with at the time.
Around January I decided that I needed to read the Book of Mormon all the way through before my baby was born. I had read it with my family several times but never on my own. When I pulled out my Book of Mormon a little paper fell out of it that simply said John 16:33. I turned to the passage and found, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might find peace. In the world you will have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." I was overcome with emotion. I felt such a comfort reading those words and I knew that if I listened to my heart I would know the Lord's desire for me and my baby.
I continued to read the Book of Mormon throughout the following months. My goal was to be done with it by the time the baby was born and I knew I was going to have to hurry because I kept going into preterm labor. I read for hours at work, at home, at church, and during all of my spare time. While my parents were out of town in Oregon doing my Uncle Doug's temple work I went into labor again and was admitted to the hospital this time. I started to panic because I still had about 8 chapters left to read and didn't have my Book of Mormon with me. When they wheeled me into the room I would be staying in, there on the night stand table was a Book of Mormon waiting for me. Heavenly Father always provides a way for us to reach our goals and do the things which He asks us to do.
That night I finished the book and felt very strongly that I would know without a doubt in my mind that I had made the right decision. I knew that I was going to keep Logan. I knew that Heavenly Father had sent him to me for a reason and that I was supposed to be his mother. Two weeks later my beautiful baby boy was born and I knew with a surety when I held him in my arms that I had made the right decision.
Now two and a half years later I love him more than I ever thought possible. There are still times when I am down on myself and wonder if I truly made the right decision for us. But Heavenly Father always asures me that he was supposed to be mine and that he was sent to me for a reason. I love him so much and I couldn't imagine a life without him. What a blessing he is in my life and to the lives of so many others!
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